Let’s talk about approval.

The kind we all long for but rarely ever talk about.

Not the kind you feel when someone says, “Good job!”

Or when you get a gold star on your report card. (I love a gold star!)

I’m thinking of the kind that comes when you feel deeply accepted just as you are.

The kind that says, You belong here. You are wanted. You are enough.

And I think most of us spend more time than we realize trying to find that feeling.

I know I have.

One of the greatest lessons I’m learning in my 50s is to understand my place in life. What does that mean, you ask? Well, I’m still discovering. One thing it means for me right now is not trying to press myself into situations where I haven’t really been invited.

And maybe that’s the thing underneath all of this. I just want to belong.

When you’re a pleaser, it makes sense to want to be a part of whatever is going on around you. That sometimes desperate need for approval can make the way you feel about yourself dependent on what the people in your life think of you. Maybe it’s a bit of ego?  Maybe it’s a deeper issue of self-worth.

Or maybe it’s a bit of both.

And that’s where things can get a little uncomfortable. Because all that trying doesn’t just affect you. The person you’re trying so hard to gain approval from may start to feel the pressure of it too. And meanwhile, you’re over here thinking, What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I just get this right?  Why don’t I belong?

There’s a sixth sense we seem to have for “feeling” when someone is trying to win us over. Is this less fact and more something I’ve made up because it seems true? Probably.

But nonetheless, you constantly feel like you’re failing because you can’t seem to win this person’s approval or meet that need to feel like you “belong.”

It’s exhausting.

Some of you might read this and wonder what in the world I’m talking about. But for those of you who “get it,” you know exactly what I mean.

You’re not alone.

Some people might call this being a “try-hard.”

I’ve definitely been called that in my life.

Mostly by me, to be honest.

But here’s the good news, or at least it is to me: as I’m getting older, I’m trying less instead of more.

I’m getting back to my roots. I’m learning to understand the little girl inside of me who just wanted to be liked. But somewhere along the way, she learned to look outside herself for the acceptance she needed to feel whole.

Somewhere, little girl Sandi realized that when people were happy with her, or at least with her performance, she felt loved. But when those same people seemed disappointed, she felt like she had lost their love.

Kid logic is so simple, if not misguided.

But this was so deep in my soul that I didn’t realize I was doing it.

Kind of like, you don’t know what you don’t know…you know?!

If you looked at me from the outside, you likely wouldn’t have guessed it.

It feels really vulnerable to talk about this, but I think it’s important that we are honest about our growth, not only for ourselves, but also so others might have the courage to look honestly at what’s going on in their own hearts.

And maybe that’s why I feel such a strong need to say this next part. When I write about subjects like this, I don’t want anyone to think I’m suggesting there’s a simple answer. This isn’t something that can be remedied with a quick prayer or fixed by simply deciding to think differently.

Resolve won’t fix it.

These are the deeper waters of the heart. Places we often don’t even know about ourselves.

But God does.

And maybe this is what little girl Sandi is finally beginning to understand.

She was never supposed to earn her way into being enough.

She was enough because God made her.

Not because she performed well. Not because everyone was happy with her. Not because she was invited, included, or approved of.

Not because she had her act together or because she got the “gold star.” (Did I mention I love a gold star? Ha!)

But because she was His.

He made her on purpose.

And I wish I could go back and tell little girl Sandi what I know now.

I wish I could tell her she could stop trying so hard.

This would have been deep stuff for me at that age. Maybe that’s why some things aren’t meant to be understood until later in life. Maybe I needed the years in between to not only understand this better, but to have the strength to actually live it.

I’m learning to truly look at the person God created and be OK with her. And maybe not just be “OK” with her, but celebrate her.

To understand that some people will like her and some won’t. And that’s alright.

The truth is, none of us likes everybody. We’re just not all meant to be in each other’s sphere.

And honestly, I’m finding there’s a lot of freedom in finally being OK with that.

I’m not sure you ever completely stop wanting to be liked. (Emphasis on completely.) I know I haven’t. But I’m learning that wanting someone’s approval doesn’t mean I have to chase it. Sometimes I can simply notice that desire and let it be.

Sometimes I take it to God. Sometimes I write it down. Sometimes I just have to remind myself who I belong to.

I’m not always very good at this. But I’m getting better at recognizing the moment when I’m tempted to start trying too hard again.

And when I don’t chase it, something unexpected happens. I have room for a different kind of happiness.

Not that feverish kind of happiness that comes from finally winning somebody over or being invited to some certain thing, but the kind of happiness that comes from sitting by yourself on a Saturday morning with a cup of coffee, watching the hummingbirds fight over the feeder, and thanking the Lord for the people in your life.

It’s just such a different feeling.

And I find that I’m loving it.