I thought I wanted a hobby. 

 I really thought that was the problem. 

Something to fill my life with purpose.

I began looking around to see what I could do to feel energized to face the day.  I have friends who went back to school and now have vibrant careers.  Some who started online businesses and one who refinishes furniture.  A few volunteer, and others keep their grandkids each day. Watching them made me hope something would spark for me, too.

It’s something I’ve been praying about while actively looking for solutions, because I felt lost and needed direction.

What I’ve discovered isn’t what I expected.

It’s not a hobby I need; what I long for is a life pursuit.

Something or things that fill my soul with life-giving energy. 

A reason to smile when I wake up in the morning. 

Something that lifts my spirit the way the ocean always has.

I feel like I had that when I was young.  My sense of purpose was wrapped up in family, job, and the busy schedule that came along with all of that, the kind of fullness that touched every corner of my days.  I always knew the years of raising kids would come to an end, and that my job might or might not still be part of my life.  But I never realized how hard it would be when both of those things are gone.

Kids are adults.

I’m retired. 

I didn’t plan to be retired; it sort of happened to me, and I’m still figuring out what comes next.  But, nevertheless, here I am. 

So now I have hours of each day that aren’t filled.  It’s been quite different from what I thought it would be.  How? You might ask…Well, I thought I’d be older, that I would help with my aging parents, and that I would help with my grandkids.  But none of those things have materialized, and the quiet of these days feels different than I imagined, almost like a season I didn’t know I’d be living in.

I’m not officially retirement age.

My mom is in heaven, and my dad is thriving and happily married.

My kids don’t have children of their own…yet. Maybe someday.

And so, without the roles I thought I’d grow into, I’ve found myself on a journey of self-exploration. 

Which brings me back to the original thought: I need a hobby.  This is when I began to look around for something to “do.”

My friends were figuring it out, and I thought I could, too.

Well, no, it hasn’t been that simple for me.

All of these thoughts were crowding my mind as my husband and I set out for the beach last weekend to celebrate our anniversary. 

I’ve told you before that I spent a lot of my childhood not too far from the shore, about an hour’s drive away.   So, coming to the beach isn’t just a beautiful trip for me; it feels a lot like nostalgia. The kind that rises the moment I hear the waves crashing against the shore. 

After checking in, we made our way to the shore.  I never stop being amazed at the beauty of the ocean.   The sheer vastness of it overwhelms me.  I just stood there watching the waves crash in, the breeze brushing against my face, silently praying for guidance in my real life back home. 

We spent three glorious days waking up to the most beautiful sunrises and ending the day with the sun melting into the horizon. It was dreamy.

And yet I came home with no real answers to satisfy my heart, just the quiet reminder that something was still missing.

But, this morning in the gym of all places, I began to have an understanding that felt more like an epiphany. 

I feel so alive when I am at the beach or by the ocean.  The sight of something larger than life energizes me.  I feel alive when I am curious; it fills me with hope that there is more to discover in this world.   I love to see new places, even in my own hometown.   To enjoy fields of wildflowers and country roads that lead to who knows where?  There’s always a new sight to behold or something to learn, if you’re willing. 

And then it occurred to me, as simple and true as anything I’ve ever known.

I love wonder.

I don’t just love it, I am fueled by it. 

I am deeply fueled by wonder, curiosity, learning, and beauty. 

This is why I could spend hours, days, or longer by the ocean: it never ceases to amaze me and gives me energy.

This is why I wander through art galleries, because the beauty overwhelms me and fills me with joy. 

And this is why I try to learn new things, because it gives me that sense of possibility I’ve been missing.

My focus has been on a hobby for so long that I never even thought about a life pursuit. 

Until today, when I finally understood what my heart has been trying to tell me.

Today, the Lord answered a prayer I’ve been praying for a long time.  And I’m so excited about it. 

There are changes I want to make and plans too.  To understand something so basic about myself is truly life-changing and life-giving.  My journey won’t look like anyone else’s, and neither will yours.  I may never have a typical hobby, but the goal is not just to fill the hours, but to really LIVE within them, with intention, with curiosity, and with wonder.  

Years ago, I had a quote I put with everything I wrote.  It wasn’t long after my mom died, and I needed a visual reminder to keep living, keep going.  It was back in the hashtag era.  My sister and my niece bought me a t-shirt with the saying on it…#LIVEallyourdays.  I still have that shirt somewhere. I need to get it out and wear it again. 

Who would’ve thought I would come full circle back to it, to the reminder that carried me once and still carries me now. 

These days, we’re given aren’t just about surviving, although there are seasons of that, for sure.  They are about LIVING, and to do that, you must understand what makes you feel completely energized, what makes you want to get up and face the day.

I feel like I’m starting a brand-new part of my life. 

The one where I get to live into what I’m learning about myself, slowly and with a willingness to grow.

I know it will take time, and I will keep growing and learning, and that will only give me more hope. I plan to share the progress with you, the good and the hard, because I want to always keep it real here in this space. 

For today, I’m simply thrilled to understand myself more deeply. 

Wonder.

That’s where it all begins for me.