It’s been a while since we’ve spoken. So much has happened I find myself at a loss of where to start. It’s like those moving sidewalks at the airport, you know the ones that help you to take two or three steps for every one unassisted by the moving belt.
I feel like I’m walking beside it wanting to get on but I’m not quite sure how without lunging forward or backward and falling on my face.
But, because I can’t go another day without talking to you I’m going to take the chance and jump on, let the body parts fall where they may.
What I’m trying to say is it’s hard to bounce back into the stream of life when you’ve been out of step for a while. It feels intimidating.
But, here is my best attempt to catch you up on things.
The last thing I shared was how difficult it was to pack all of my earthly belongings into small boxes and put them into a storage facility. All the memories and organizing and purging had me an emotional mess to say the least. Since then, we’ve sold our home of twelve years, moved in with my dad and gone on a much needed family vacation.
Wow, that last sentence was quite a mouthful.
Our house sold much quicker than anyone expected and for that we are so grateful. But, with the sudden sell comes a whole new set of problems. Good problems, but problems nonetheless. Things like, “what do we do now?” start to resonate through your mind at an alarming volume.
Thanks to my dad for opening his home to us for a while. He and his wife have been so gracious and patient. We come with baggage, two dogs. One practically a puppy and the other with one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.
I cried my eyes out throughout the whole packing a purging process. We sold our dining room table, the one our kids sat around growing up. I stood at the window as it was loaded on the back of a truck and pulled out of the driveway.
That was hard.
People ask me why it was so difficult and I guess I would answer it was like saying goodbye to a member of the family. SO MUCH LIFE happened around the rectangle stained piece of wood. It was like an old friend.
I put a price tag on it and sold it to the first bidder.
I felt like I’d betrayed someone who’d been nothing but faithful to me. I know, I know, I can hear you say it, “it was just a table.” Yes, that’s true, but it also stood as a symbol, a reminder, of our younger years. Like the ending of a chapter, one I was really invested in.
So, I cried.
And then, I let it go.
Multiply that experience by one hundred and you’ll get a pretty good idea of how packing the house went.
But, one million boxes later aaannnddd we finished!
Our vacation was so wonderful. It was hard to come back to reality. Can I live in Disney? I think the most magical place on earth would be perfect right about now. It was hotter than hades and the crowds were merciless but I had my three grown children with me and I’m just not sure it gets any better.
Well, that should about catch you all up, minus a few hundred unimportant details.
Now, we turn our hearts and minds toward what’s next and I find myself quoting scripture over and over to calm my heart. Some might even say “chanting” God’s Word to help me cope.
Let me start by saying what’s next has to come after I get through saying good bye to what is. I’ve never considered myself a small town girl, but the people of this little community have become such a part of my heart it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.
I am a kaleidoscope of emotions.
I really want to learn something through this time of enormous change. I want to pick through all the emotions and find the lesson. More than how to pack and label a box so you’ll know what the heck is in it when you unload it off the truck. Here’s a little helpful hint, be sure you label the side of the box as well as the top because you’ll never know what’s in them when they’re stacked on top of each other a mile high.
Trust me on this.
Also, I’m learning to let go of my need to know what’s coming next. Notice I said learning, I have a long way to go. White knuckling everything has become bad habit and I didn’t realize how bad it was until things began to change and I couldn’t hold onto it all.
I was terrified.
Something special happened recently and it was obvious the Lord’s hand was all over it.
I listen to the Bible app most mornings, this year I’m doing the Bible chronologically. A few days ago as the narrator was reading Psalm 112 I felt the impression of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I knew instinctively this Psalm was for me. Later, I looked it up and read it in its entirety as though God was speaking directly to me and not written by a King long ago. Verse seven nearly jumped off the page, “She does not fear bad news, she confidently trusts the Lord to care for her.”
Woah. I needed, no I NEED that promise.
That’s the verse I’m chanting.
I don’t want to be afraid. I want to walk in peace. Is it possible I can walk in my fear with the intent of breaking down the hold it has on my heart? Maybe peace isn’t a destination but a process. Something for you and me to chew on as we sip our coffee this morning.
I’ve decided to memorize the whole chapter. This is a big deal as I’m not great at memory verses. I’m more of a “well it says in the Bible somewhere…” But, to walk into “what’s next” for me, for us, I’m going to need more than vague references, I am going to need confidence…confidence the Lord will care for me.
So, what is next?
We’re starting to have more of an idea as we look for places to live and pray diligently for a church family.
We visited the city we’ve decided to drop some roots in…can’t wait to tell you all about it.