Have you ever felt as though your good enough just wasn’t enough? Like every effort you make, all the work you do just doesn’t quite measure up? Have you wanted to run and hide instead of face what the day may hold? Have you loved people so deeply while at the same time not wanting to be around anyone? Have you ever wondered what all of this for and will it ever get any better? Like you need change but are powerless to know how to get from where you are to somewhere else. And honestly, where else would you go?
Well, if you have, then we can relate. We can relate on a very deep and private level. These are not feelings we like to talk about too often. Occasionally we will share them, but mostly, we protect them and hide them for fear of, well, for fear of what exactly?
I am not sure I have an answer to that or any of the other questions that roll through my mind making me feel tired and useless. But, I am so thankful that I’m not alone. I’m glad you can understand how I feel. And I am thankful for a Savior that understands as well.
It helps so much to know that I am not alone, that I am not odd or messed up. I’m just a needy person travelling through this world trying my very best to live within the faith that I hold so dear. I don’t want to pretend to be something that I am not. I don’t want to portray an image that is false, I just want to be transparent.
I have made mistakes, said things I shouldn’t have, believed lies, called names, talked about others and worried too much over image. I eat to comfort myself, I drown my hurt in denial and I compare myself to others way too often. I am a mess.
That is the unedited truth. But, thank goodness, not the end of my story.
Today and every day, I seek a Savior that loves me unconditionally and fully. I say this out loud to myself in the mirror so I will remember. I am writing it here to you so that we don’t forget. It is not perfection we need, it is grace. Sweet, limitless grace. We need to give it to others. We need to give it to ourselves, which is so much harder.
I wonder why that is?
I was sitting in church this morning feeling so completely frail when the praise team began the song “Greater” by Mercy Me. It was a subtle reminder to me that HE is greater in me than all of those feelings and questions that plague me at times.
I came home and wrote in my journal my raw and very unflattering feelings. My journal is more than a diary, it is a place where I bring my deepest hurts and lay them before my Heavenly Father. It is like therapy for me. And then I cried.
It was exactly what I needed. A place to release, to be real and unedited and to feel loved anyway. I am so thankful for this blog ministry. I must be honest it stresses me out to put my feelings out there like I do. But, it also makes my life so much richer and it keeps me accountable.
We need each other.
And, then I braved the freezing cold and went to church again tonight and was reminded of Philippians 4:8
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
Just the reminder I needed. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to think on things that will bring me peace.
One day at a time.