I love Easter.

I love that Christ died for my sins and rose again to offer me life eternal if I believe in Him.  And I do believe.  I am deeply grateful for my faith.  It has carried me through life and helped me cope with situations I never could have on my own. 

Salvation is the greatest gift.

But this Easter has been a little harder to celebrate.

The boys moved.

Jeff was out of town, Costa Rica to be exact.

And Abbie was not feeling well. (She’s better now.)

It has left me attending one of my favorite services of the year by myself.

And to top it off, I didn’t sleep well the night before.

So, when I woke up Easter morning, later than I should have, it was a sprint to get ready in time.

It would have been so easy to stay home and watch online; who would’ve blamed me?

But I determined in my heart that I WAS GOING.

After a rush to get ready, I headed to church in the rain.  Seriously, it was raining as if the day didn’t feel melodramatic enough already. 

I’ve got to tell you, once I got there, found a seat, and calmed my mind for the service, I was filled with JOY.  The joy came after the effort.  It came after I did the thing I didn’t feel like doing.  It’s amazing how that works sometimes.  I get it mixed up and expect joy to drive my actions when often it’s the action, the obedience, which gives me joy. 

Anyway, the service was glorious, and I felt my spirit lifted, a much-needed lift after a couple of heavy weeks.

You’d be right to assume the message was about the resurrection. 

But what I didn’t expect was to be gripped by a verse that held so much for me.  It seems to describe exactly how I am feeling these days. 

Luke 24:21 “But we had hoped he was the one who was going to redeem Israel.”

It’s the “we had hoped” part that is still lingering in my heart days later.

I cannot imagine being alive in those days after Jesus passed, having placed so much hope for deliverance in him.  And then he was just…gone.  Oh, how hopeless it must’ve felt.  If I think about it, I can feel the disappointment they must’ve experienced. 

And that’s the part that has my heart today.

There comes a time in life when you begin to wake up to days you didn’t expect.  Sometimes they are good days, but other times we face disappointment. 

This is not a new idea for anyone; it’s just my way of sorting through some disappointments that feel like speed bumps in my life right now.  

These things are personal to me, but I know many of you have felt your own versions of them.

I was thinking about how to really explain this without coming across as ungrateful or disillusioned.  I think the best way to tell you is just to be transparent.

I had hoped my life would be easier as I age. 

That’s a real bubble breaker for me, aging is HARD.  I thought that when the kids left, I would feel free and gratified, and not as worried.  But, at least for me, this hasn’t been the case.   I might even worry more than I did before.  Things are completely out of my control, and I’ve never been more distinctly aware of this fact.

I had hoped my kids’ faith would look a certain way, the way I imagined when they were little.

But they’re finding their own paths, and that’s humbling and holy in its own way. I am so grateful they are wonderful human beings, even as I learn how to release my need to guide every step. Moving from being the mom who had a say to the mom who watches from the sidelines is tender terrain. Expect injury.

And it’s not just parenting that has surprised me.

I had hoped to have a greater sense of purpose in these years when my hair is gray. 

But, instead, I pray every day for clarity and opportunity, just like my young adult kids.  I wish I were someone who knew exactly what they wanted to do and why.  I think some people have this kind of clarity early on, and others of us struggle to find it. 

My daughter and I were having this conversation the other day.  Is it possible to have a range of things that would work, or is there one specific thing that we need to find to have true contentment?  This is a rhetorical question, because I think I know the answer. I guess I had hoped it would be easier. 

I had hoped to travel more when my kids left the nest.

Travel makes me happy, but it also makes me tired.  It’s like when I finally have the funds to go, I’m too tired to do it.   My energy goes into keeping my physical body strong and healthy for the years ahead.  I miss the energy of my youth.  

I had hoped to be successful by now, whatever that even means.

I always imagined I’d wake up one day and feel like I’d finally “made it,” but the goalposts keep moving. Success looks different at this age than I thought it would, and I’m still learning how to measure it in ways that bring peace instead of pressure.

I had hoped to be stronger in my faith.

And yet here I am, typing a very vulnerable post about how much I lack.  

And this is where I feel the Holy Spirit whispering to me that it’s perfectly okay to feel disappointed with where my life is.  You can still be grateful for all He’s carried you through and admit you’re not heading in the direction you thought you would. 

Honesty is the beginning of the journey out of the wilderness of disappointment. 

I don’t believe it disappears overnight, but I do believe in being honest about it and asking God what he wants you to know. At the same time, standing in it is so valuable.  I’ve learned a lot about myself lately, more than I‘ve ever learned while I was blissfully happy. 

I’ve learned to dig in deeper.

To look more intently for God’s work in my life.

To sing with the intention to praise.

To keep doing what I’m doing while I wait. 

This Easter, while full of resurrection joy, has also been one of the hardest I’ve had in a while.  So, to read a verse that reminded me how hope can feel faint in times when we don’t know what’s going on or why was exactly what I needed this year. 

Easter isn’t just for happy celebrations, although we certainly celebrate.  It’s also for quiet “hard fought hallelujahs.” 

Keep making the effort to do what’s in front of you.

Keep trusting even though you can’t see.

And I will too.

Disappointment doesn’t cancel resurrection.

And just like those in Scripture who hoped Jesus was the one, we’ll find out that he’s been in every situation and circumstance all along. 

And we will, eventually, praise God for all of it.