At some point in our lives we’re forced to face the depths of our hearts and emotions. Usually there’s a catalyst that forces us to this place, something like mid-life crisis or the crushing pain of loss. When we get to this vulnerable place of self-reflection, we learn a lot about ourselves and why we do the things we do, and why we feel what we feel.

At this point of pain and self-discovery, we’re pushed into the difficult work of finding healing.

We can choose the work or we can continue to live in the pain of an unhealed heart.

It’s our choice.

I’m going to let you guess which one leads to a happier, healthier life.

This is the perfect point to share something I’ve been working through…

Control.

That’s the word on my mind these days.

Never in my life have I been so keenly aware of how much I like it.

I don’t think I recognized it for what it was until recently. Or maybe, and more honestly, I didn’t want to identify my behavior for what it was because I liked feeling like I had some control. And that’s just what it is, a feeling; because, since we’re being honest, we can’t control anything except our own actions.

But, still, I would try.

I would call it other things, of course, convincing myself I was helping. For example, I might say to one of my kids, “I just want what’s best for you.” And that’s true, but if I had questioned my motives, I might have realized what I was really saying was, “just do it my way, I know I’m right.”

And there was a good chance I was right.

But, that’s not really the point, is it?

If I continue to check my motives, I wonder if what I think is “best for them” is really what will LOOK best to others? Because, truth be told, maybe what’s best for the child is quite possibly to fail miserably and learn valuable lessons that will help carry them through life.

If we search our heart, we can usually trace our need to feel in control to an area lack.

As my adult kids grow and thrive and move on with their lives, as they should, I am forced to face myself. What does that mean? Well, I am forced to take a good, hard look in the mirror and figure out who is really staring back at me. Not only do I look nothing like I did when our first child came along, literally, I still have some of the same insecurities, fears, unhealed parts of my heart, unresolved emotions that were there before I immersed myself into the distractions of life.

It’s easy not to deal with stuff when you stay distracted.

In an effort to continue NOT to deal with all the unhealed parts of me that make me uncomfortable, I push my opinion into the life of my child and tell myself, and them, that “I’m helping.” But am I really? The best help we can be is to let them go and let them learn; trust that the lessons they learn will teach them to be the best versions of themselves. We can be an amazing example by doing the inner work of healing and find a wholeness that isn’t based in what others think. Live a life your child would want to imitate.

Be resilient in your love for them.

And pray hard.

I heard a great quote that I think about all the time these days, “I cannot control outcomes.” How true! We do the work, but God is responsible for the outcome.

HE is in control.

And because of that, we can quit trying to control, no matter how well-meaning, and instead turn our focus inward and do the heart and soul work we’ve been trying to avoid.

Let’s do the work.